How do I explain to my child that it is okay to feel upset, but not to act out?
Parenting Perspective
It is common for children to feel strong emotions, and it is a normal part of their development for them to get upset when things do not go as they wish. However, an important aspect of emotional growth is understanding that while feelings are valid, certain actions are not appropriate. When a child expresses their feelings through crying, screaming, or acting out, it does not indicate that they are behaving poorly. Instead, they are in the process of understanding how to handle their internal experiences. Parents should recognise their child’s feelings while also establishing clear and calm guidelines regarding acceptable behaviour. Identifying emotions can assist children in gaining a clearer understanding of themselves. For instance, expressing, ‘You feel frustrated because the toy is not functioning’ provides them with the vocabulary to articulate their feelings and lessens their feelings of being overwhelmed. Consistent communication that actions like hitting, shouting, or breaking things are unacceptable promotes a sense of responsibility. With time, this helps develop emotional control. For children to alter their responses, it is essential that they feel secure and acknowledged. Steady and reassuring support proves to be much more beneficial than strict reprimands during these times. Parents should also work on managing their own emotions, as children often learn by observing their behaviour. Remaining calm, using gentle language, and allowing a child time to calm down teaches them how to handle frustration without using aggression or intimidation.
Spiritual Insight
Islam recognises that human beings are created with emotions, but it also guides them towards discipline and accountability. Teaching a child that being upset is natural, but that certain actions are not acceptable, aligns with Islamic values. Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Shuraa (42), Verse 43: ‘And for the person who is patient and forgiving, indeed, (these acts are derived from) higher moral determination.’ This verse highlights that emotional strength lies not in suppressing feelings, but in choosing patience and restraint despite them. As children mature, they can be guided to appreciate this ethic of self-control as a virtue to strive for.
It is recorded in Jami Tirmidhi, Hadith 2612, that holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ stated:
‘Indeed among the believers with the most complete faith is the one who is the best in conduct, and the most kind to his family.’ This guidance can assist children in recognising that true strength is demonstrated not through yelling or aggression, but in our behaviour when we are feeling upset. Children will not grasp this immediately, but with consistent gentle reminders and by observing their parents practise it, they will start to understand and adopt it over time. Parents should remind themselves that nurturing Sabr and emotional boundaries in their child is part of their Amanah and a path of reward in the sight of Allah Almighty.
